Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Acid is not a monday night drug
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
