my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
