I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
