Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize