Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize