I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
