just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
