Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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