You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
