omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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