I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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