he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
