I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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