my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
