He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
