I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
