I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
