We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
