guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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