I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
