If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
