I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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