2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
