Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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