Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
