i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
