You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
