I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
