I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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