I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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