so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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