The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize