You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
