I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize