just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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