i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
