Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
