I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
