just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
