Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
