I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
