matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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