Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
