:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
