how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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