I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
