Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize