i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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