If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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