Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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