so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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