this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
