i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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